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But does it seem like your marriage is falling apart in front of your eyes? You don’t know what to do?
It can feel like the end of the world when a spouse says “I don’t love you anymore” or “I’m leaving.”
You’ve probably found that the announcement impacts every aspect of your life, and now you may be wondering if you can keep your balance.
If you’re like most people in your situation, you’re probably feeling scared and confused, not knowing what to do next. And the truth is you’re not alone. You’ve got plenty of company of others like you who don’t know what to do.
For many years I’ve counseled so many spouses like you who’ve been in a similar predicament. I’ve learned a lot from clients just like you about what works and what doesn’t work in trying to keep a marriage together.
Besides my 25 years as a counselor, I think my personal experience also gives me credibility. Through the years, I’ve learned the hard way that "happily-ever-after" endings don’t just happen and that I can’t pin the blame for all marriage problems on my partner.
The truth is, my husband Lee and I sometimes do have disagreements that make us butt heads. But we’ve discovered that the quality of a marriage doesn’t depend on avoiding disagreement.
Instead the excellent quality of our marriage depends on being able to disagree without inflicting permanent damage to the relationship. And it depends on how we recover from conflict between us.
The good news for you is that it’s never too late to change and to decide to do a “makeover” project on yourself. As you change yourself, the ripple effect of the changes will be felt in your marriage and in every area of your life.
But you have to take the first step before anything different can happen. I want you to have what Lee and I have found to be attainable—a marriage of mutual respect, laughter, love and passion. A soul connection.
You probably weren’t taught positive marriage-building skills in school. If you’re like most people, you’re having to learn on your own.
There are two main ways people usually learn: by trial and error or by finding out what people who are successful do.
You don’t have time to waste on trial and error attempts to discover what will save your marriage. You need to know what precise steps to take right now to reduce the chances that your spouse will bolt out of the marriage.
“I wanted to let you know that my husband has decided to come home and go to marriage counseling. I can’t thank you enough for your book—without it I don’t know where we would have been. Thank you so much.”
One of my clients who went through divorce told me "I’d much rather have 10 root canals done on me than to go through that again." Unfortunately, this experience is all too common.
“Thank you for the excellent book. I got it about a week ago and I’ve already read most of it twice. I am really beginning to learn more about myself and why I do the things I do and especially what things I should not do that put up barriers between my husband and I. I also love the romantic suggestions. Thank you for your help and I’m so grateful that I found your book.”
Lee and I think of our relationship as if we had two bank accounts in a "relationship bank." He has an account with me, and I have an account with him.
Every time one of us does something nice for the other, it’s like making a “goodwill” deposit in that person’s bank account. But if a person does something irritating to the partner, it’s like making a goodwill withdrawal from their account.
We have a goal of maintaining a positive balance with each other on a daily basis. Every single day, we want to make bigger deposits than withdrawals with each other. By making sure our accounts with each other are never "overdrawn," we keep our marriage healthy.
Using this method, when you’ve built up large positive reserves of goodwill with each other, your relationship is in good shape. That way, when you need to ask for extra understanding or patience from your spouse, you have enough goodwill accumulated in your account to cover the request.
What Lee and I get from this system is we feel motivated to put frequent deposits into our account with the other person. Deposits can be strokes of affection, a gesture of respect, an acknowledgement for something the other has done, or some kind of compliment to the other person.
Yes, it takes some effort to establish the habit of making goodwill deposits on a daily basis. But building up large goodwill reserves with each other feels so good that it’s addictive. Once you get started it feeds upon itself! And as you repeat making your deposits with your partner, you condition yourself and you condition the relationship itself.
As Lee and I applied these principles, we found our marriage spiraling upward to heights we never imagined. Emotional intimacy was enhanced, mutual respect was increased, and sex became better. And aren’t those the things that you really want?
“I downloaded your book today and have already read half of it. In the top 21 Marriage Busters, I am guilty of 12 of them. I think that your book is spot on but wish I had read it some time ago (with my wife).” (Later, the same person wrote me the following email.) “Just a small note to tell you that I am back with my beautiful wife, working on our fantastic future…Anyway, our lives are back on track and I am the luckiest person alive. With… Read more…
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